Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
