My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
