oh fat girl friday strikes again...
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Randomize
