In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Randomize
