I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
