gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
