Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I wish there were birth control emojis
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
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