Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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