when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
