I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
