If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
