hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
