the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
I want her autograph on my taint
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize