She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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