No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Randomize
