i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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