i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
