even my farts smell like vagina
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
