I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
smell my finger.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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