I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
