i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
