By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
