she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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