I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
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