your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
