I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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