So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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