Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Randomize
