im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Randomize
