just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
