You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Randomize
