why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
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