i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Randomize
