Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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