this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
