Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
