he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
