I love black thongs
i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
A bitchslap is in order.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
