I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
You need Xanax blowdarts
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
