And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
