highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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