biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
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