I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
