when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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