Can Purell be used as lube?
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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