I'm laying in your front yard are you home
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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