Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Randomize
