There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
