You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Randomize
