you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
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