I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
