Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
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