there's paper in my vomit.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
