I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Randomize
