They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
