Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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