exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Randomize
