i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
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