And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Randomize
