Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Randomize
