"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
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We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
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We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
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