bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.