the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month